NewYear party, Alone, PTSD, Alcohol, Anxiety, Valium, Amnesia, Some sort of rape?

I have post traumatic stress disorder (though at the time I was only diagnosed with clinical depression). I thought I was well enough to attended a New Years eve party alone (as in I knew no-one there) I had a glass of wine maybe two before something triggered me to panic early on in the party. I took 10mg. Valium (which is my normal prescription) but knowing it makes the effect stronger when mixed with alcohol. I just felt I had to get "away" whatever it takes.

I must of had something more to drink, but I can't recall at what point when. What I myself think is that I only had three drinks; two glasses of wine, one vodka mix.

At some point after midnight I became very sleepy and tried to find a place to sleep. A man told me there was a place "up stairs" I went with him. (NOTE: his story is that I was conscious and in control of what was happening). What I recall is that he was calm and nice but he pushed and pinned me against the wall and kissed me, then took me to a table near by and started to undress me (I believe I was unable to stop him both physically and verbally). Then someone came in and I "woke up" and ran down stairs, locked myself into the bathroom and had a serious panic-attack (and had flash backs of some sort of sexual abuse from my childhood). I took another 10mg.of Valium and calmed down and returned to the party. I had no place to go (I had a girl I was supposed to stay with, but she left earlier without me), and the man told me I could stay at his place, he had another girl from the party also staying at his place. I remember nothing from the taxi drive, nor walking up the steps and entering his flat. He insisted I sleep in his bedroom and I did, where he undressed me. I remember asking him to use a condom. I remember giving him a ******** and bits and pieces of the sex.

Later on, we discussed that night on MSN and I told him I couldn't remember anything; he said I was willing to do everything we did and that "we made love" many times that night.

I know he told me at the party that he'd show me a place to sleep, which was a lie (when he took me upstairs). I can't remember the rest though.

And, I am confused now that he has given me a different story.

We met again this summer with many of our mutual friends. We were camping. He didn't have a tent, but I told him I had no space for him - I had already promised to share with someone else. I went to bed earlier than most of the others. Luckily my (male) friend was already asleep in my tent. Later the man opened the tent and I told him there was no space - he refused to listen and went in anyway. It seemed he was expecting something from me before he saw my friend sleeping next to me, and suddenly acted very different andlaid down straight away.

I felt it confirmed he could be the type to take advantage, I had drugged myself that night and did not know what I was doing and could not at the end of the night even stand on my own feet.

Also worth mentioning; I am 21, he 42.

However much I defend this man (as I feel it is my fault for drugging myself, and thus he may have taken advantage but no more) my ex is very distressed and without doubt feels it was rape, my psychologist remains neutral on the matter.

After the incident, I fell into a deep depression and tried to commit suicide, and was admitted into psychiatric care; which was when I was diagnosed with PTSD. Can you give me your opinion on whether it was rape or if it was my own fault?NewYear party, Alone, PTSD, Alcohol, Anxiety, Valium, Amnesia, Some sort of rape?
probably didn rape you by the story you have given,

my girlfreind was sexually abused more than once (not by me lol)

its hard to live with but you can to a certain extent get over it tho not forget it i dont like going the drugs route ( i mean perscribed drugs obviously) i would advise seing a qualified hypnotheripistand i hope you have a couple of close freinds if not see a counseller and hypnotheripist ... if you are in a country with free healthcare try get your gp to refer you and you might get this free or at cut rate cost, if not your health insurance may cover it, if not try get funding or if moneys not a problem just pay out your pocket but in my expierience it is worth it



peaceNewYear party, Alone, PTSD, Alcohol, Anxiety, Valium, Amnesia, Some sort of rape?
To me it seems it was more his fault. Although it was your fault for getting drunk but he knew you were drunk and took advantage of you being drunk because you wouldn't probally remember a thing. I say it was rape because of that.